Hi,
Back in 2011, my father died on Christmas morning. After saying my last good bye, some people took him away in a body bag. The rest of my Family came over my house that day, and they took all of the stuff that my Dad said that he would give to me and my sister when he died (a MAC, a flat screen TV, Money, and other valuable things). A week later, I found out that my aunt made my dad drink in order to sign a contract saying that she would get all of his money when he died, and my dad didn’t know what he was doing because of course, he was drunk. Many years have passed now, I’m a teenager, I’m going to get a job in 3 months, and I’m growing up in general. But the question is, how do I move on, and forget about all the bad stuff in my life. I’ve been taking anti-depression pills, but I’m still depressed, and I don’t like being sad. I’ve seen a counselor, but that didn’t help either... What do I do about my depression? Excalibur (age 13) * * * Dear Excalibur, Apologies for my delayed reply, and I'm very sorry for your loss. Interesting story you relate here, and it has parallels with some that I have come across in my life. For example, when my ex-wife’s grandmother had died, her relatives swooped into the house, destroyed or hid the original will, and took what they wanted. All my ex wanted was a set of dishes that her grandmother had promised her (she wasn’t looking for money), but her relatives took those, as well. In another story, a friend of mine was very close to a man named Butch for years and years. Well, a gold-digging jerk came into Butch’s life and, as Butch was weak and dying from AIDS, got Butch to change his will at the last minute so that everything went to him, even though they had only been lovers for a couple years. None of Butch’s other family and friends got a thing. Another story: when my mate Yogi’s first husband died of heart failure his mother burned all of his photos because she hated her own son for being gay. Yogi thus lost all of those precious photos. Your story is, sadly, not unique. People can be extremely petty and greedy, and relatives who should be loving and caring often turn out to be materialistic dirt bags. The thing is, hon, if you allow your relatives’ bad behavior to depress you, then they will have defeated you not only in grabbing material goods but also by emotionally manipulating you. The way out of your depression is to realize that you are a better person than that. Let them have the Mac and the money, or whatever. It won’t fill their empty souls or turn their charcoal hearts into diamonds. Focus, instead, on the love you had—and still have—for your dad. No one can take memories away. Do you have photos? Videos? Cherish those, too. You can defeat your depression by acknowledging what is important in life. Your relatives think what is important is stuff and money. You must realize that the only thing in life that is truly important is love—genuine, unselfish love—and the kindness that it brings. You can’t change people who are determined to be petty and small and hateful. But you can change your reaction to them, and the best way to do that is to let it be. Let them have their stuff. He will always be your father, and they can never take that away from you. I find, when my soul is troubled, that the best cure is to go out into the world and love. Love other people, love animals, be kind to nature, do something spontaneously nice for someone else with no desire for reciprocation and your soul will be filled to overflowing and your depression will become a distant memory. Blessed Be, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I've "picked up my pen" several times to write to you, and each time I've stopped myself because I don't have a question - not really, I think. And yet I feel that if I don't reach out to someone, someone I don't know, someone who doesn't know me, I'm going to break down, or explode, or do something really quite stupid. I suppose, if I have to have a question, it's --- No. I was going to write, "What am I doing wrong?" but I'm not going to bully myself like that. Instead I'm going to say, "Does it really get better?" As you can see, I'm an older male. (I'm a dragon, in case you're wondering about my fursona.) I'm older, I'm single, I've never been in the best of relationships, although I was with someone for a while whom I did care about very deeply but we still went our separate ways in the end. I'm also hurt, and lonely, and wanting nothing more right now than to have someone to curl up against and tell me, "It's going to be all right." There's no easy way to say any of this, so I'm going to be honest. If this comes across as bluntness, then I apologize. I grew up in a time and place where it was wrong to be gay. Homophobia was endemic, and it was underlined by government, by society and by religion. In 1988, Margaret Thatcher passed legislation which made it illegal for teachers to educate children about anything but normal, heteronormative relationships. People could be fired for being gay, or beaten up and the Police would look the other way. I was raised that being gay was a sin. I also grew up experiencing a lot of abuse. (There's no other way to say it.) It wasn't deliberate abuse, most of the time, but it was still abuse. I walked on eggshells from age 8 to 18, and even after that to a degree. I was bullied at school, experienced emotional and psychological abuse at home, and yet had some of the most wonderful family members I could hope for --- at times. Because, as we all know, nobody is always abusive, only when that switch in their head kicks in. The issue is this: my parents are both also survivors of abuse themselves. When I talk about this (which is rarely), I try to make it clear that the abuse was not deliberate: my parents and family did not set out intentionally to cause me harm. The fact is, however, that it happened, and the results are effectively the same. I can't find it in my heart any more to blame or be angry with my parents for their actions: they did their best, in extremely difficult situations, and they, too, are as much the products of their pasts as I am. In recent times, with the death of the primary abuser (whom we could never work out if they knew what they were doing or not), my family has become much happier and more relaxed, home has become a place which I look forward to visiting and my relationship with my parents is the best it has been for a long time. I was expected to do well at school, to be the model pupil, to make everybody proud, to get top marks --- and I did, for a while. But it's difficult, Papa Bear, to try to please everyone, and I was 17 when I had my first "breakdown". (The big one was to come at the age of 19, when I fell in love with a guy for the first time.) I learned early on to read people, and also to try to become what I thought they wanted me to be. And so I did. For my parents I was the good son, for the teachers the dutiful pupil, for the minister the diligent worshipper --- and so on, and so on, and so forth. I tried to please. I strove to please. Not least because the merest thing could set off a major explosion at home, but because by pleasing I had learned I could forestall such explosions. Or the cold, silent treatment, which was even worse. Or the sudden fury which would rise, and raise, and blow, and then be gone, and the person responsible would blink in apparently genuine innocence and claim they hadn't lost their temper at all. Perhaps it's not surprising that I started eating. And eating. And eating. I always felt tired, too, and I found that consuming food smothered the feelings I had, and that was a good thing: it wasn't done to have feelings. Feelings could so easily get you in trouble. I should also add that I grew up extremely isolated. My social circles revolved around home, school and the people I met at a church... I have no siblings, and for most of my life no friends. I find it very difficult to make and keep friends, and although I don't enjoy being alone, being in a relationship is equally scary because it's "unknown." I went to university at 18 and by 19 had found the Internet and fallen in love with a guy. What little strength was left in my mind gave way and I broke into a million pieces. I ended up back at my parents' place for a year—arguably the worst thing that could have happened, in some ways—and finally went back to school. But in between I visited some friends in the US and... and realized something else was wrong. I like guys... so why can't I get hard? Why is it that someone in the shower with me is straining hard, and I'm not? (He later confessed he wasn't really terribly gay, which in retrospect makes it even worse.) And it wasn't only then, it was almost every time I was with a guy—Was? Is. I still can't "perform," as a rule, unless I'm so exhausted I can't think about it and then, for some reason, I manage. But the upshot was that the things I wanted to be able to do, the things that felt most right, simply don't work for me. But that's a whole other issue, I know. So time moves forward. I fall into and out of relationships, jumping into them with almost anybody who shows me a crumb of kindness and then having my hopes dashed when things come crashing down. And I'm seeing people I know, people I love, moving on, finding relationships, finding joy and happiness, and here am I, still alone. It's difficult enough under such circumstances not to ask, "What am I doing wrong?" I know that it's probably not me that's at fault, though given my background it's hard to break away from that. A few years ago I moved to the US to start school again—my fourth degree, a graduate degree this time. And I started to work on myself. I've been in therapy for four years now, and even now it doesn't seem like it's enough. I've had hypnotherapy sessions (from a licensed and qualified hypnotherapist) and even so it never feels as though it's enough. I've been diagnosed with several linked endocrine dysfunction issues, and being on medication has helped: my testosterone level is normal, now, instead of being half of what a geriatric man would have (which was leading me to question my gender, on top of everything else), and taking thyroid medication helps my mood and also my energy level, the constant falling of which was at least partly responsible for my overeating. And yet, all this year, I've been in and out of a funk which I can't escape. I can shake it for a few days at a time, maybe even two weeks, but right now the black shuck feels as though he's tied to my heels. I'm tired, Papa Bear, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of having to care for myself, I'm tired of chasing after pennies... I'm tired of not being who I know I can be and who I want to be. Dammit, Papa Bear, I'm just *tired*. I'm tired all the way through to my soul and I don't know how to stop being tired. Maybe it's because I want too much, too much. I'm told that if you stop wanting things then you find it, but that doesn't seem to work, either. I'm sorry for the tone of this letter, Papa Bear. I know it's a jumbled and disorganized mess but I've got a child's wail trying to get out through an adult's throat and I don't know where to begin. Please tell me it will get better, Papa Bear, because right now I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until the pain goes away, and tonight I don't know if it ever will. Merrys (age 40, upstate NY) * * * Hi, Merrys, I hear you. Listen, before I write something you've already heard before, please tell me more about what your therapist has said (surely, something more after 4 years than just endocrine issues?) Did you go to a psychologist? Psychiatrist? Or just a counselor? Did you address the obvious issue that sex is in the brain (explaining your problem with tumescence with guys)? Like I said, I don't want to reiterate what a therapist has said--since that obviously hasn't worked. You can help me target a solution better if you tell me what already hasn't worked in the therapist's office. Write back soon. Everyone needs hugs. I'm not near New York, but here's a virtual one. Blessed Be, Papabear * * * Hullo Papa Bear, Thank you for your email, and thank you for your hug: I really appreciate it. Hugs are good. I've been seeing the same therapist for the past two-and-a-half years, and it was the sexual side of things which took me to him. Before that, I spent time with a couple of other therapists, one of whom was absolutely lovely and helped a lot and the next was a little passive and I didn't feel helpful. They all work for my school's Student Health Centre as counsellors, though all of them are highly qualified: my current therapist has a PhD in psychology and 30 years' experience. To be honest, though, Papa Bear, it's not just about the sexual side of things. I can understand that you picked up on that most strongly: I mean, a gay male dragon who can't mate must be in a bad place, right? (And yes, it sucks.) But equally I think that there's nothing more honest than a person's genitals: they're either into someone or they're not, and I have had times, even when I had the lowest testosterone level ever, when simply smelling the breath of a young male sitting next to me while we ate lunch together was enough to make me fully hard in moments; equally, making love to my ex-boyfriend (who is female-to-male transgendered) I could be fully and achingly hard for him—but usually only when we were both utterly exhausted. Sex is in the brain, but so are an awful lot of other things, accrued from down the years and which can be terribly hard to get rid of. I don't like to be one of those people who points at others and blames everyone else for their own misfortune, but regrettably I cannot escape that I have been badly damaged by my past. Right at this moment, I don't even want sex. Right now, inside, there's a scared child who wants to be nurtured and cared for, and it's so painful to admit it: in this world of apparently well-turned-out young people, in this fandom where sex is made to seem easy and everyone is virile and the young are well-balanced, this old dragon feels very much out of place. How can I say, to whom can I say it, that I just want to be held and comforted and tended and cared for, because at the moment I just don't have the strength to be strong? At the moment so many ghosts from my past are coming to the surface, and all I can see, over and over again, is my eight-year-old self—the age I was when everything began to change—and he's hurt, he's confused, he's afraid, he doesn't understand why things are changing, and yet he has to grow up in the space of a few weeks and become a caregiver to someone who should be caring for him. Eight years old and almost an adult. Eleven years old and he has his plushies taken away from him: "Don't you want to be a big boy now you're starting senior school?" How could he answer, "No," and not feel he'd disappointed everyone. Twelve years old and the joy has gone from birthdays and Christmases, and it's another 28 years before he can feel comfortable telling people that it's his birthday, because it's gone from being a day of delight to something he learns is another reason for people to mock him for his naïveté. It's not just about the sex. I think the sex is a symptom. Perhaps as much from being most of my time alone, and having no confidence when I have been with someone, to also being with the wrong people, quite likely—as I said, there's nothing as honest as a set of genitals. I just needed to reach out to someone, Papa Bear. I need a Papa to hold me right now—someone to hold me, who won't mock me or laugh at my weakness, or make fun of the "little dragon" who is trying not to cry (and failing). I know I must sound pathetic, and yet right now I don't care. I feel so damned tired, and lonely, and there doesn't seem to be the slightest chance of that changing any time soon. Each time I think I've learned to love myself even a little bit, some voice in the back of my head pops up and I feel as though I'm back in square one, all over again. Abuse is horrible, Papa Bear. Even when it's not intentional. It's like kudzu, or the ground elder we get back home, or Japanese knotweed. And you can never be sure it's entirely gone, because the worst of it is that you learn to do it to yourself: you learn to believe that you deserve all the things that happen to you, you learn to believe it IS your fault, you learn to believe that there's no other way it can be. ~Merrys * * * Hi, Little Dragon, I understand better now, thanks for taking the time to write out your feelings. Yours is one of those letters that Papabear gets that goes to the front of the line, so I will write to you later today after work. In the meantime, I am attaching an audio file [inserted a recording from Don Miguel Ruiz]--one of several. If you like the first one, let me know and I'll send more. I think it might help. Bear hugs, Papabear * * * Hi Papa Bear, I don't really know what to say. I feel honored that you'd take the time, and yet embarrassed and awkward at the same time: "why should I get special treatment?" is what the voice in my head says. That, and being called "Little Dragon", when I try so hard to be the big, strong, fierce dragon everyone expects a big, long dragon to be... I'm not sure if to be embarrassed by that, too. Expectations, again. Thank you for the audio file. It was very beautiful. It reminds me of things I've heard before, in particular St Paul's letter to the Corinthians in which he says, "For now we see but through a glass darkly..." I'm not a Christian, or at all religious, but I do remember that. *leans into your hugs* Thank you, Papabear. ~Merrys * * * You're welcome. Here's another recording to listen to while I work. Hugs pbear * * * Thank you. *snugs up against your side and puts his head on your chest while he listens* ~Merrys * * * Dear Merrys, I won’t pretend to be able to solve all your problems in one letter, but I will try to make a good start here, and I hope you will correspond with me more in the future if you need to talk. You don’t go into what your therapists covered (other than endocrine issues, which, in turn, could cause problems with testosterone levels, and, indeed, the original cause of this can be stress), and you don’t explain well what the abuse was as a child, except that you were made to grow up too soon and, evidently, not allowed to be yourself. Your parents, having been abused themselves, did what usually happens in such cases: perpetuated the cycle of abuse on to you (good news being that you have risen above this and now have a good relationship with them). This, it seems, wasn’t because of family being deliberately abusive, but they probably didn’t understand you and just weren’t very good at raising their one child. They may have been good people, but just not competent people. Because you weren’t allowed to be a child, and because you became a people pleaser—always working to make parents, clergy, teachers happy—you didn’t get to discover yourself. And because you didn’t get to discover yourself, people with whom you were attempting to have relationships with became frustrated because they couldn’t figure you out because you didn’t know who you were. The first step in finding out who you are is to stop trying to be the person you think others want you to be. This doesn’t mean that you should disregard or be mean or indifferent to others, but you shouldn’t hide who you are to please others. Once you have stripped away that false mask and let yourself be you, you being a process that, while it might take some time, will eventually lead you to you. While, as you say, not laying the blame on anyone, it’s clear that your problems stem from the abuse you had as a child, the fact that you weren’t allowed to be a child (what I call Michael Jackson Syndrome), and that this has all caused you severe stress that has led to endocrine issues and sexual dysfunction. One might also say you wish to return to childhood (or, anyway, divest yourself of the burden of being an adult) because you didn’t get the emotional support you craved as a child. Furthermore, you were not allowed to be gay because of family and society, further suppressing your true identity. Is this what your psychologist told you? The problem is easy to identify. You could, actually, blame your upbringing, but that won’t solve the problem. So how do you solve the problem? Well, you’ve found one way to cope, I feel, by being a furry, which is a way to try to relate to one’s child side. Interesting that you picked a dragon as your fursona, the dragon being a strong, tough, loner figure, representing what you are trying to be. In that sense, I suggest that you actually have picked the opposite fursona of the one you need. I don’t see you as a dragon; I see you as a bunny—soft and cute and snuggable ... and vulnerable. Perhaps you might adopt a second fursona. Many do. You would also do well to try and recapture your childhood. Not the way Michael Jackson did (bordering on insanity, poor man), but to regain the joy of Christmas, birthdays, going to amusement parks, etc. You sound like you need friends. What’s your involvement in the furry community? (And, by the way, your impression of furries that they are all “virile” and sexually confident and well-balanced.... poppycock. Just read through the letters on this site, which is a receptacle of insecurities and sexual and relationship problems. We all need help.) Hanging out with furries is a super way to regain that feeling of childlike playfulness. So, we now have: find out who you are, rediscover your childhood, and start making friends (btw, this is from one of my favorite sites, Tiny Buddha, on being a friend: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/25-ways-to-be-a-true-friend/). When you are good friend material, you will attract friends to you like moths to a flame. And what happens when you get lots of friends? Well, chances are that one of those friends will become more than a friend. It starts with cuddles, and you need cuddles more than just about anyone I’ve ever talked to. “Working on yourself” doesn’t mean working on your appearance, or getting an impressive education, or making lots of money, or, in a relationship, doing whatever the other person wants from you, or working on your conversation skills and trying to be the life of the party. There is nothing really wrong with you, except that you weren’t given a fair chance to ground yourself because you didn’t get the childhood everyone needs. Remember, people don’t transform from children into adults, they are, rather, adult shells encasing the children still inside them. That child, that vulnerability, that need to be cuddled and protected, remains in all of us. It’s the brave ones who admit that they need a big hug or cuddle, and no, it’s not about sex. One last word of advice. Don’t stand around waiting for that hug. Be proactive and hug someone first. You might be surprised that this can break down walls and one of those people will give you a big hug back. Maybe it will lead to a new relationship; and, yes, relationships can be scary, but it’s better than no relationship at all, if that’s what you’re looking for. As to your original question, “Does it get better?” It certainly can, although I can’t guarantee it. But it helps to get to a goal when you have a clear, well-paved path to walk on. I hope I laid a few stones on that path for you tonight. Bear Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear, Thank you for your considered and considerate reply. To address all your points in any depth is going to take a while, so I hope you'll forgive me if my reply takes a while to complete. I wanted to say "thank you" now, though: reading your words, as I have several times already, I have found both comforting and reassuring, and I feel better already. One thing I'd like to mention now, though, and I'll address it more fully in later, is that I'm Otherkin, and that's my connection to being a dragon. I didn't choose to be a dragon, I simply am one. And I'd argue that even dragons can be vulnerable and weak and need cuddles, too. I know I did, when I was an eggling, first time around. :-) Thank you again for your patience, your kindness and your support. I have very much enjoyed writing to you, and also listening to those two audio tracks you sent me. With very best wishes, and much thanks, ~Merrys * * * Hi, again, Little Dragon, That is, indeed, a vital piece of information you left out, your being Otherkin. And you’re correct that even a tough-looking dragon can need a cuddle now and then. If I had known this, I would never have suggested you change your fursona (though you still might have the heart of a bunny *grin*). That would be like someone suggesting I be something other than a bear. I am a bear, and you are a dragon, and that’s that. You remind me of Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon--a fierce beast with a heart of gold. This whole conversation is an excellent reminder to readers of this column that appearances can be deceiving. The guy who looks really tough and confident on the outside might be just the guy who needs a good squeeze and a sympathetic ear. It’s also a reminder of how many—really, most—people in the world go about their lives wearing masks to please others or as a protective measure against ridicule and prejudice. Some might say that furries are all wearing masks, pretending to be animals or anthros, but I feel it is quite the contrary: we are stripping away our false selves and revealing who we really are on the inside, says this bear. I don’t think this is the end of this particular conversation, but it is enough for now. Perhaps I’ve worn out the patience of the readers of this column with such a long post, but they, as always, are free to wander off elsewhere into cyberspace. I hope that those who have stayed have gained something here. Bear Hugs to All, Papabear Hi Papabear!
First off, I wanted to tell you that I really like your work, you're awesome for taking the time to talk to people who feel lost and trying to help them. While I don't really feel lost, I'm here asking you for your opinion. I'm living like the perfect life at the moment. I'm studying in a field that interests me (I'll be changing soon but more on that later) but lots of free time to enjoy other things, I live at my parents house to not be too much of a burden economically but I perfectly autonomous, I have a girlfriend that loves me (maybe too much but again more on that later) and I have lots of acquaintances and some close friends that I can talk to and who are willing to help me. The thing is: I don't enjoy life on Earth at all. Since I was able to I've always been consuming lots and lots of culture (books music videogames movies/shows comics and drawings). The "problem" with books, videogames etc. is that they depict amazing adventures in more or less fantastic universes full of interesting things to do, and now because I'm used to those stories I don't find any joy in life. On top of that I'm constantly thinking about all the problems going on in the world and in our society, making me miserable whenever I'm not occupied. It's been 3 years now that the same thing is going on: I get really depressed, I plan my suicide, all the friends who hear about it tell me I shouldn't, I explain them why I want to, they get sad because of me, which makes me even more depressed making me unable to have enough strength in me to kill myself, I get used to the feeling making me able to go on but lose my best friends because they can't put up with a suicidal close friend (which I totally understand). After that I make some new friends ... and the cycle starts again... The only things able to help me are videogames and music who help me don't think about it and drawing and reading poems that make me happy for a little while. That's why I wanted to study in cinema, because making videos is a hobby not a passion like the 4 above, that way I could have a job I enjoy while not tainting my passions with the "work feeling.” But now, I've hit like the 5th cycle, and I can't put up with anything anymore. I'm changing my studies to "Game Art," which involves lots of drawing hopefully making me able to bear life long enough so my girlfriend won't love me as much as she does atm, because I've talked to her about all that, and she said that if I do kill myself she'll follow me, and I don't want everyone to blame me for "taking" her life when I spent ALL my life trying to make everyone around me happy. So yeah, I can't live like a normal human because I wish I were some kind of wolf with wings who's life would consist of exploring fantastic universes and battling with dragons or some other mystical creatures. I wouldn't care if I were to get killed/hurt like that, because it would be for something interesting. In real life you'll get killed because of sad and boring things (diseases, mad psychos, etc.), and while doing meaningless things (my ideal goal IRL would be to make people realize we have to act to make this world better, but I wasn't even able to make my friends do small changes in the way they act for objective goodness, imagine how that would go if I were to try on 7 billion strangers...). I'm sorry this was really long, hopefully not too long and not too boring so you'll take some time to tell me how you feel about that. I'm not seeking for an answer on "how can I stay alive?" I just want to know what do you think of my way of thinking considering the life I have. Maybe you'll think I'm a spoiled brat that should enjoy life considering how easy I have it but hopefully you won't stop at that. Thanks in advance Papabear! Wirinel' DuSaule (age 18, France) PS: Sorry if I made typos/mistakes. English's not my native language. * * * Dear Wirinel', Whenever I get a letter from a reader and it concerns suicide, that letter gets moved to the top of the pile. I will reply to your letter by tomorrow. In the meantime, please consider contacting one of the following hotlines to talk to a professional. I think I see what your problem may be, so I will get to that soon. Hugs, Papabear SOS Help Boite Postale 43, Cedex 92101 Boulogne Contact by: - Phone Hotline: 01 46 21 46 46 Website: soshelpline.org Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 15:00 - 23:00 Suicide Ecoute Paris Contact by: - Phone Hotline: 01 45 39 40 00 Website: suicide.ecoute.free.fr Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 00:00 - 23:00 E.P.E. idF. Fil Sante Jeunes Paris Contact by: - Phone - E-mail: Hotline: 0800 235 236 Website: filsantejeunes.com Fédération S.O.S Amitié France 11, rue des Immeubles industriels 75011 Paris Contact by: - Phone Hotline: (+33) (0)1 40 09 15 22 Website: sos-amitie.com * * * It's very kind of you to put the letters about suicide on top of the pile! And don't worry, I promised myself to not commit suicide too soon, I don't find joy in life but I'm trying my best to resist and first let my girlfriend pass her important exams. Also I've already contacted my family doctor and a psychologist but they weren't able to help me. I've contacted you more because I'm curious of what you'll say considering you have a good experience with this kind of things than because I'm looking for a solution. Wirinel' * * * Dear Wirinel’ There’s no such thing as committing suicide “too soon”; any time someone commits suicide is an inappropriate time. As someone who attempted the deed at your exact age, I can tell you if you go that far you will absolutely devastate everyone in your life who cares about you; suicide is the ultimate, supremely selfish act and is like giving a big middle finger to everyone you love. You say you spent all your life trying to make others happy, yet with one blow—killing yourself—you will erase any and all of that happiness you might have accomplished. The teen years are the most likely time that a suicide will occur, so it is a critical period in your life to get through. If you are entertaining the idea even in the slightest, please call one of those hotlines I gave you. I’m sorry that the psychologist you spoke to did not help. Since I have your attention, I will try to help here. What you are experiencing is classically defined in the German tongue as “Weltschmerz.” That is, becoming depressed because the real world doesn’t compare favorably to a hypothetical, idealized world you find in art and literary fiction and video games that you would prefer. A lot of people have this condition—probably a lot of furries, especially, because we like to imagine ourselves as anthros living in fantastical worlds. We look at ourselves in the mirror and wish we could have wings or snouts or fur or tails. As Spock once noted in the original Star Trek series, having is not always so pleasant as wanting. This was also pointed out to me in a forum led by Uncle Kage at MFF in which he talked about the consequences of what would happen if furries really were possible. The gist of his talk was that the physical and social aspects of being a true furry would likely be devastatingly disappointing. The same is true of your fantasy world. Fighting a dragon might seem glamorous, but you would likely be toasted or crushed or eaten alive, and that wouldn’t be too pleasant. If you were an anthro wolf, your anatomy would make it impossible to speak English (or any human tongue); and if you had wings they would likely be just for show, not functional, because having six limbs just doesn’t work anatomically, and even if it did it would be very hard for you to get off the ground. Basically, you are desiring something that, even if it could become true, would likely not meet up with your high expectations. Now let’s look at reality. You are, as they say, looking at the glass half empty. Yes, the world is troubled by disease, war, Rush Limbaugh, etc., but what about the amazing aspects of our real-life world? And I’m not just talking about the games and poetry into which you escape. Life is amazing! Nature is incredible! Quantum physics! Astronomy! The metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly! The mind-warping possibilities of alternate universes, other dimensions, dark matter worlds, instantaneous particle communications through entanglement, and, more humbly but still incredible, the advances in medical science—why, we are getting really close to healing paralysis, making the blind see, the deaf hear, and integrating human biology with nanotechnology. There are advances in communications and transportation and environmental technology that are showing great promise in resolving problems with pollution and human interactions. People are developing clothes that can make you invisible; physicists have figured out how to freeze light in time! We’re very very close to discovering extrasolar planets that include liquid water and life! AND, it now seems possible that warp drive is a feasible mode of propulsion to get us to those planets. You, my furiend, are living in what is possibly the most remarkable era of human history—EVER! Open your eyes and see around you, really see, and you will discover a world that’s really not hum-drum at all. And that’s why I would recommend to you that you do not pursue a career in Game Art. Why? Because then you would just be reinforcing your conviction that it is only the worlds of fantasy that have validity and excitement. You would be creating an infinite loop that would trap you into your current mind-set, which is depressing you and making you consider suicide. Instead, explore the possibilities and wonder of the real world. For instance, if you have any aptitude in it, I would say you should look into astronomy. What’s going on in that field is truly mind-blowing. Or, closer to home, medical technology, or perhaps focus on the planet and the wonders of natural plant and animal life. I know that when I was a zoo docent, I was constantly amazed by what animals can do to survive and thrive in the wild. My Papabear sense is telling me that you only find the real world dull and uninspiring because you haven’t made the effort to truly familiarize yourself with it. Therefore, that would be my recommendation. I know you said you weren’t looking for a solution, but I’m giving you one anyway. So far, dear furiend, you have been a sleepwalker through a magnificent, lush jungle full of life and possibilities. But you have been walking only on a cleared, dirt path, unable to even touch the life around you. My wish for you is that you open your eyes, step off the path, and lose yourself in the forest. Blessed Be, Papabear * * * Hi, Wirinel' I'm following up on my letter to you. What do you think of it? Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, First I want to say that I'm really sorry I wasn't able to answer your mail earlier. I fortunately could catch and read your mail on my phone about the day you sent it to me but, while it proved to be a good thing in the end (you'll see why later), I am terribly sorry for making you wait. When I first read your mail, I felt like once again the person I tried to explain my problem too didn't fully understand (which would've been totally OK, by the way; I had to cut a bit "short" my first mail to not make it overwhelming, and if you don't know the full story it's not possible to fully understand), but 3 hours ago I talked again with my mom about the reasons I'm feeling down. I thought about what you said in your first answer to me while talking with her, and it really helped me. My decision is to now try to compensate my lack of knowledge in the scientific field (I studied engineering because I didn't--and still don't but I'm trying to work on that--feel like I would be able to remember all the things I needed for scientific studies) by going through "catch up" studies via the CNED (a French organization for at-home schooling. My goal is to develop skills in Math, Physics and what we call "Earth and :ife Science" in France htrough those studies to enter a school in the same field while developing my creativity in my spare time tjrough online tutorials to how to use 3D software and learn how to draw better. One thing my mother helped me with is by making me remember how people like Stephen Hawking went through and are still going through huge difficutlies in life but still continue to help other people in their fields with their discoveries; it was to make me realize than I can get over my lack of long term memory (I tried multiple methods to help against that but I still can't live without technology keeping important information for me). Another thing she told me is to stop paying attention to the "crowd": a huge thing that makes me absolutely desperate is how I see that too many people keep believing (not talking about religious beliefs here) and doing objectively stupid things even if they have evidence that it would be far better to not do them/do them in another way. So I'll now try to stop looking at comments on YouTube and other social medias (or just post my opinion and don't care about the answers, that will be tough though...). Finally, she said that because I've always been moderate about the money I spend I should not hesitate to ask her and my dad to buy me things that would help me express myself (such as canvas, paint and graphic tablets). While I still feel down (and I thing that something that'll stay a long time for the better as much as for the worse), I at least feel like I have a goal in my life, things to do and wake up for besides just living to not make my girlfriend and family sad. I have something to tell you about your answer, though, about the fantasy thing. It's really not helping at all to tell people like me (or at least me) that if our fantasy were to realise it wouldn't be as good as we think because of real world laws. It was a bit cliche and mostly there to explain my point of view but heck if I were to be a goddamn wolf with wings I'd live my fantasy to the fullest and speak English and fly! That's the point of fantasy, to get rid of what's making real life boring, and while I still desperately need to live in a fantasy world to be truly happy, my goal here is to make real life less boring, interesting enough so that I can keep on staying alive for a long enough time to feel like my life on earth was spent well. If you didn't answer me, my talk with my mother would've been far less productive, and sending you those mails was a relief (I try to not talk to my surroundings about my problems except when absolutely needed). I'd like to thank you. Not as far as from the bottom of my heart because in a way you're making me live while I kind of don't want to, but you tried to and did help me. Because I can't help you in another way than with money and because I don't really feel like wearing your design, would you mind giving me a PayPal link or something I'd be able to give you a donation trough? I like to help people who helped me, most of the time they're artists but being that much kind deserves some sort of reward (a medal would be cool but I don't have that kind of power hehe). Thanks again Papabear, Wirinel' DuSaule. * * * Dear Wirinel', Thank you for your reply, and I am very happy that you had such a great talk with your mother and that she and your father are supportive. That's wonderful! I'm also relieved that you have--I hope!--put aside any ideas of suicide. It sounds like you're a tad resentful of me for "making" you live, but I can live with that. If it took making you hate me in order to convince you of the folly of suicide, I would have done my best to make you despise me. I think you're right that there was a little miscommunication here and, perhaps, I didn't get exactly what you were saying. It sounded to my ears that, in the original letter, you wanted to die and hoped that would somehow achieve your dreams of going to your fantasy life and living as a winged wolf. This is why I tried to bring you down to reality because I feel that if I encouraged you in your fantasy life it would encourage you to kill yourself. I wish to make clear that I have no objections to mental play and an interior fantasy life. After all, I have one as well in which I exist as a bear. And if you wish to fantasize about being a flying wolf, that's fine--as long as you acknowledge it as a fantasy only. The other thing I wish to clarify is that I may have overemphasized science too much in my reply as a way to see that the universe is not dull. There's a lot to be said for the arts, as well--the celebration of beauty and truth through painting, music, writing, and other arts. You can find a lot of joy in these things, as well. Now, about your struggles with memory. There are actually things you can do to improve your long-term memory, including exercise, meditation, and getting a good night's sleep. In this fascinating article, there are some unexpected tricks you can practice, too. In addition to the suggestions you see there, I would also recommend you do puzzle games (anything from jigsaw puzzles and scrabble to math games), and do things such as learn a new language or study how to play an instrument. Your brain is like your muscles: if you don't exercise, your muscles turn to flab; likewise, if you don't exercise your brain, it turns to mush (this is why watching a lot of TV is really bad for your brain). Here is a CNN article about apps you can get for brain training, too, if you're interested. You've learned English very well; and if you can do that (which involves long-term memory), I am confident you can improve your memory in other areas, too. I am not telling you to give up your fantasy life (I should have been more clear on that). I think, though, thanks to your talk with your mother (and with me?), that you are on a path toward balance. Balance science and fantasy, the real world and the imaginary, and I think you will be happier. These two sides are not opposites; rather, they complement each other. I have another suggestion for you: some of the greatest science fiction writers of the Golden Age were also scientists. If you have never done so before, pick up some books by Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, and Robert A. Heinlein, for example. I think they might inspire you. Thank you for offering to send me a donation, but I must decline. Because I'm not a professional in this field, I don't feel right taking money for offering advice (that's different from selling a shirt or a mug). If you wish to repay me, please tell other people about this column if you feel it truly helped, and thanks for your kind words. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello again, Papabear.
It’s been a couple of months since I wrote to you. Still nothing. I feel like the book is already written for myself. I feel that after the divorce that I had back in July of 2014 that I proved my ex wrong. That nobody would want to date me nor will they want to date a divorced LoneWolf such as myself. I am back to square one before I met this backstabbing b**ch (sorry about the language), miserable and lonely, though to that day of our divorce I feel that the book is already written for me. Is it possible that this is my fate in life to be divorced or never to be with anyone in my life again? Ad is it possible that my book is already written to stay this way for all eternity? If advice can't be given on this I understand why it can’t. Skullking LoneWolf * * * Hello, again, LoneWolf, Oh, Papabear can give advice on pretty much anything, but it’s up to the reader to decide whether or not to listen. You have been divorced less than a year, yet you have already thrown up your paws and given up on any other relationships happening in your life. That is a defeatist attitude. As long as you are down on yourself, bemoaning that fate has already written the book for me and I am doomed to be alone until I die, then that is exactly what will happen to you. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy. The way out of your situation is to change your attitude. If you go around feeling nothing but negativity about life, you create a powerful, dark aura around you that, although most others cannot see it, is very palpable. It chases people away from you who might otherwise have become your friends. It is very off-putting. A big step toward dispelling this aura is to learn to forgive. Put aside your bitterness toward your wife. That is part of your past now, and you are only hurting yourself by carrying that hatred in your soul. I understand anger, hon, and know that it will eat away at you unless you learn to, as they say, forgive and forget. In addition, learn how to have a positive attitude. You might ask, “What do I have to be positive about? I can’t be positive if my life is awful.” Actually, that’s not the way it works. You have the cause and effect backwards. If you take a positive attitude toward life, it can actually make your life better and good things will start to happen. For one thing, if people you encounter see you smiling and enthusiastic, it makes you much more attractive and they will be more likely to want to get to know you. Drop the negativity. Drop the doom and gloom. Only then will you turn your life around. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear. Thanks for reading my letter, I think the work you do with this website is really amazing.
So here’s the thing: I been feeling bad or nothing at all, I don't get excited about anything anymore. I don't want to do anything, so I do nothing all day. I have books I wanted to read but I lack the will to start. I stay at my pc waiting for someone to talk to me on skype, looking at random stuff at internet, fapping, doing all kinds of useless things. Sometimes I try to draw but I always stop after 10 minutes or so. Sometimes I feel a strong desire to be part of something, a group or a fandom so I'll have someone to talk to, and I don't know why I don't join something. Talking to furries most of the time don't result in good conversations. I find myself trying to draw stuff to please people hoping I can make friends, it kinda works but not the relationship I would like. My real life friends are scarce and they don't really have much in common with me or don't talk to me much. I know I have to change something, but I don't know what to change or where to start. I'm going to start Tai Chi classes next week so hopefully that helps, but I feel like its not going to be enough. Not even playing games get me excited anymore, I'm tired of listening to the music I have and I feel really angry when I go on the internet to look for more for some reason. I wanted to never log in skype anymore, but I feel addicted to it, the hope that someone will want to talk to me and I wont be there, which never happens anyway. And feeling like this isn't good for me since I feel physical pain when I'm stressed or feeling anxious. Which is one of the reasons my life been really hard for several years now. I guess I'm just another lonely person seeking for attention. That feeling that my existence doesn't matter at all. And really sucks to admit that being old as I am. Maybe I even deserve to feel like this considering all the friendships I neglected on the past, it took me quite a while to realize what an asshole I was to everyone, now that I changed, there isn't anyone here to see anymore. I guess what I want is a legitimate reason to do something since I feel I'm never going to be happy at all. What could I possibly seek that would change how I feel about things, how I feel about my future? I can't even look forward into buying stuff, I bought enough stuff to realize that materials only make me happy for a brief moment. The worst part is that I'm in college for a year now and I didn't made any friends. So I'm stuck in a senseless quest for a senseless job, to get senseless money, to buy senseless shit, to live a senseless life. Spike (age 21) * * * Dear Spike, You’ve come to the right place for a sympathetic ear: I know EXACTLY what you mean, having gone through what you are going through several times before. Before we continue, have you seen a counselor or psychotherapist? * * * A few months ago I gone to a psychiatrist, we didn't talked much and he gave me some anti anxiety meds which made me start to have anxiety attacks every night so I stopped taking them. I was in his office for 20 minutes, and 10 of this 20 minutes he was on the phone with someone, so I guess he wasn't very good at his job. I actually only asked him for help about my irritable bowel syndrome, which makes my belly hurt like hell whenever I'm stressed or anxious. * * * Dear Spike, I hear you. I went to a psychologist for several months and was not very happy with him. I often recommend professional therapists to my readers because I am not one and it is not right for me to offer advice on psychological issues without at least giving people a heads up that the other option is available. Some people are lucky and find good therapists; others, like you and me, get lemons. Before you give up on psychotherapy, however, I would suggest you try another psychologist or psychiatrist (and ask him or her about something else besides your bowels). The reason is that there is a possibility your problems might be caused by biological factors, such as hormone or other imbalances. It is important to have that checked by a doctor. In fact, you might consult with a regular physician for advice on this. Okay, enough with the doctors and psychologists. Let’s tackle your letter piece by piece. First off, part of your problem is that, in an attempt to make friends and gain attention, you are doing things to please other people rather than yourself. A lesson that I am still learning in my life (giving you three decades’ heads up here that will hopefully save you time and grief I was not spared) is that when you are a people pleaser you rarely please yourself. In your case, drawing art to please others sucks the fun out of art because you aren’t drawing what YOU like; therefore, what fun is it? In a sort of related example from my own life, I enjoy history and learning about it through books and online and from TV documentaries. In high school, I loathed history courses because the teachers made it godawful boring. Nothing but names and numbers and dates. I learned history for the test; I read books to write papers to get good grades. By the time I was done with the course, I thought that history was boring. It wasn’t until I stumbled on some excellent documentaries that a new spark came alive in me and now I love to learn about history. Therefore, step one is to answer yourself honestly this question: why am I drawing art, reading these particular books, studying these particular subjects, etc.? If you are doing so to please others or because “it’s good for me” or any other reason than “because I want to for my own enjoyment and enrichment,” then you are doing it for the wrong reason. Refocus your motivation to center on yourself. Tai chi might actually be a good way to assist you with this, as well as your anxiety issues, as it helps you with focus and helps to calm you. Next, reexamine your friendships. Sounds like a lot of your nonfurry friends have little in common with you and don’t even converse with you much. Why are they your friends? They aren’t, really. Are you seeking friendships with the sole motivation of being afraid to be alone? Then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I’ve tried this, too. When I moved out to the Coachella Valley, I wanted to meet local bears and be friends with them. Turns out, well, a lot of the local bears are douchebags. I was trying to pick friends for the wrong reasons. Fortunately, I found some friends who are real friends and care about me. Tired of games and music? Yeah, been there, too. At first glance, many people would say this is a sign of clinical depression—when the things that used to bring you pleasure no longer do so. This can be true sometimes, but there could be another reason: you need to break out of your comfort zone and old habits. For example, as a young bear, I used to only listen to pop music. I didn’t try anything else; I also shunned “old people music” like what my parents listened to. But, as I got older, I started listening to music less. It started to sound like the same ol’, same ol’. My wife at the time introduced me to country music, and I got over my preconception that it was all “Cryin’, Dyin’ an’ Drinkin’” stuff. Garth Brooks is awesome. More recently, I’ve really gotten into “grampa music” such as Frank Sinatra. His stuff still holds up. And listening to music like this has reinvigorated my appreciation of old favorites of mine such as The Beatles. In addition, I started taking piano lessons and am totally into jazz now. For fun, I also enjoy listening to reggae, and my sister-in-law, believe it or not, bought me a CD or yodeling music when she was in Europe. LOL! Hey, it’s fun when you’re in the mood. There is a whole world of music out there. Try new stuff! Games? Yes, after a time, gaming can get dull, too. Especially if you get into a rut with games that are all, say, first-person shooters. I kinda went through this when I got into SecondLife. At first, I was completely intrigued, but, after a couple years, felt I was wasting my FirstLife and quit. I really don’t have time for games or virtual reality stuff right now, but if I did, I would mix things up. Try games that exercise your mind more, such as “Myst” or “Civilization.” If that doesn’t work, well, just take a break from gaming and try something in the real world. And that brings us to our next topic: breaking out of all the stuff you’re doing now and completely shake up your life. I suspect, in your case, that too many of the things you are trying—gaming, music, reading, drawing, buying stuff you don’t really need—are things you do by yourself. And while you are trying to socialize, much of it seems to be online, when you are, physically, also alone. Go out into the Real World! My best suggestion: do some volunteer work for a worthy cause. Part of your problem may very well be that you intuitively feel like you are not making a difference in the world through your current activities. You may be surprised how soul-nourishing helping others can be. And you can combine this with your furry interests, too, if you like. For instance, I was just reading about the Atlanimals group, which does charitable work while in fursuit. My buddy Tycho Aussie does this on an individual basis. It’s something I’d really like to get into, too, with my fursuit. Yes, it might be that you made mistakes in the past and have alienated some people. It might even be that you will never get those friendships back (have you tried contacting people and giving them a heartfelt apology?), but none of that means you can’t start fresh. At 21, you are still at the beginning of what will hopefully be a long life, and there is plenty of time to make a fresh start—or even two or three fresh starts. My advice, in summary: break out of old ruts to try new things, make those new things stuff that involves interacting with people in the real world, and remember that, while it’s nice to help others, being a people-pleaser is not a good strategy. It’s not selfish to please yourself first, as long as you are kind and considerate to others, because when you’re happy that happiness will rub off on others and make your whole world brighter. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I once told you my fursona problem, which kind of still hovers in the room as I am finding not a solid answer, yet to it and am still young to the fandom itself even though it has been a few years until today of joining. The bigger thing is that I suffer severe depression, am pretty anxious, lack self-confidence and often am indecisive as well. Hard I know, but it is why I am feeling the fandom locks up on me for being one who doesn't contribute enough of matter nor being much of a speaker (noted my English not being the best of course). Regardless of this it does bother me a lot. I decided over and over what I should be with no answer to be found, trying to meet furs on FurAffinity effortless as none often answer. Kind of saddens me that the fursona would help me reflect myself and how I'd want to be in the end as much as drawing and writing from there on with him. I just lack the decision making and the confidence to work on it. Long have I been staying strong and growing stronger, thanks to the few friends who hold me so dear. For them of the Fandom I'd like to fully take part and shape as Furry and make much more presence, just unsure how. Regardless in Time you'll get a proper thank you for all this help. Thank you, Lyah (age 24) * * * Dear Lyah, It’s become a bit of a fascination for this bear that I get a lot of letters from people like you who are fretting that they don’t contribute enough to the fandom or are seen by other furries as not being involved enough. Yet there are many, many furries like you who are very shy and have trouble socializing (which is why, frankly, you don’t get a lot of response from other furries you try to contact—they are like you!), which is really one reason they become furries: they feel shy about mundane society and find a safe haven in the fandom as something set apart from it. Another phenomenon is that many furries feel bad if they don’t have a lot of followers or friends on Facebook. My question to them—and you—is what would you rather have? A pawful of good, loyal, true friends or a massive following of fair-weather acquaintances calling themselves friends? You’re better off with 5 really good friends whom you love than 10,000 Facebook followers, trust me. So, as the goombahs say, fergetabowdit (er, pardons, that American dialect might escape a German speaker, so what I mean is be Zen, be mellow, relax, and don’t worry about things that are of no real consequence). Another word of advice: FurAffinity is not really a good place to socialize. While you can make friends there, the main purpose of FA is to share and view art. Socializing is better done on a site such as Furry4Life or on Facebook and other more social media. You should also see if you can find some local German furries. Too, have you ever attended Eurofurence in Berlin? Best furcon in Europe and right in your neighborhood. Even if you’re not in Berlin, you are fortunate to live in a country with outstanding train transportation, unlike America. A lot of your perceptions of the fandom are likely influenced by your emotional issues. Because you suffer from depression, anxiety, and low self-confidence, you see other furries in a more negative light than what is actually the truth. If you work on alleviating these feelings, you will, at the same time, feel better about the fandom, as well. That’s what was occurring in your previous letter http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/german-fur-having-fursona-trouble and what you still need to work on. As I often note, if you have difficulty surmounting your fears by yourself, a professional counselor may help. Hugs, Papabear Hello there, Papabear,
I've had your articles appear on my twitter news feed quite often, and the things you help people with are so uplifting that it keeps me putting one foot in front of the other... To try and shorten down who I am, I've got a bunch of medical issues, GAD, RBBB, PTSD and Depression strong enough for suidice, so it's really hard for me to get out of the house in general, and doing it to try and meet someone just makes me cry because I never do meet anyone, the people where I live are seemingly all so crass and dull, nobody smiles on the street, and people backaway from you if you say "hi" as if you are begging for money I've got one decent, good friend in my life who lives ~10 km away, the others have all either simply moved away or have left the good life for the massive amount of drugs in the area where I live. He's a wonderful person and he inspires me to better myself, although I rarely get to see him. The sad part is that he's doing (average) so well in his life that it brings me to tears because of how bad I've done with my life. I try really hard to not show how much emotional pain I'm in all the time but in doing so people think that there’s nothing ever wrong with me, despite crying to sleep 2-7 days a week as a standard thing. My problem is that I can't find people to have a chance at making new friends, I'm extremely alone in my life and it seems that the harder I try the more painful the failure is, leaving me to sit on my ass and not want to try for fear of failure, but hey, you don't succeed by not failing, the first step for a victory is a logged failure. I'm not even sure you can help me with my problem as it seems to be that this entire town is either old retired people or meatheads that like sports and booze. I've considered going to college, but I'm so afraid of failure and the daunting factor of "you must be at school" and I can't take a break when I feel like it. I'm in tears as I'm typing to you and I realise that I'm starting to ramble, so to try and shorten all this down: I'm alone in my life, depressed to the point of suidical thoughts weekly, I've been trying for Four Years to meet people (dating sites, meeting sites all that crap) to only yield one good buddy, which gives me a silver lining that my efforts aren't a waste, but that person I found is so great that it makes me feel Horrible to the point of tears and nobody wants to be around the hobbyless depressed poor guy with mental problems. I wish I could find a lover, but at this point I'd settle for just a friend. I feel that everyone needs friends, and it Really hurts to not have them. The one I have lives an extremely busy life and we can't ever hangout, especially now that he's dating. I'm sorry to unload all this on you, but you seem you be willing to help people like me for whatever your reason is, that makes me smile and gives me hope that this world isn't a shitty place that I should just give up and leave, I've thought about it many times and I just want to share all the love I have with someone before I decide to finally kill myself, the world at least deserves that from me; it'd be selfish of me to end my own life out of dismay despite all of my 1st world benefits I'm just so unhappy all the time despite medication, I'm so sad, I'm so tired, I've almost compleatley given up on live and I would've already if it wasn't thanks to Genuinely Good People like yourself. I hope you get back to me soon, and I hope that there will be some actual peice of advice that you can give that somehow i couldn't see, the people that I come across don't seem to like me for who I am, when I finally do find the right people, I like everyone so much that I become reclusively shy and people think that I'm avoiding them because I don't like them. I'd hate to read a response from you that pretty much sums up my fears, something along the lines of "that sucks, it happens, chin up" Fiyasko (age 22, Victoria BC) * * * Hi, Fiyasko, I'll write more later because I try to answer letters in the order I receive them. But when I get a letter such as yours that is about more serious issues I try to at least write a quick reply ASAP. I am sorry for all your medical issues. To make sure I know what's going on, correct me if I'm wrong here: RBBB = right bundle branch block (heart condition), GAD = Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and of course PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder (were you ever in the military?) Have you tried joining any support groups? I know there are quite a few for PTSD and depression. A lot of your problems stem from the anxiety and other emotional issues that you evidently don't have under control yet. In other words, it's not you, it's the medical conditions you have that are weighing you down, so you really need to do whatever you can to tackle them. How are your finances? I'm guessing you get some government assistance? A lot of people write to me about how a lot of their problems stem from where they live. Is there any possibility you can move? Example: I moved from Michigan to southern California and am MUCH happier in a community that accepts gay people. Are you a furry? Have you tried being active in the furry fandom? There are many people with disabilities in the fandom who could offer support and friendship. You can friend me, for instance, on Facebook (Kevin Hile), FurAffinity (Grubbs Grizzly), or just say hi on Yahoo (zoobear863@yahoo.com). More later, but I wanted to reply asap. Hang in there, buddy. Hugs, Papabear P.S. You might want to change your name. It has negative energy. Try something more uplifting than a variant of fiasco. Hugs. * * * Thanks for responding!, I'm very happy to see that you care so much about strangers! and of course I'm a furry! I wouldn't have asked You otherwise. You've got the medical conditions correct, the PTSD is *big sigh* from being beaten and raped repeatedly during my youth by a family member (not a parent, we love each other). I haven't tried joining any support groups for depression or things like that, I was in two years of councelling for my PTSD, but it's sort of become ingrained as a part of who I am when I look at people for who I think they are. I've noticed heavily that I don't have my conditions under control, if anything they control me :(, although I'm a person who only takes medication if I Need it (yes, I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication) but my anti-depressants make me feel Flat, exciting things aren't exciting, and sad bad things just make me go "Meh." My finances are stable. I don't really need to worry about things because of the Gov assistance, and I just recently got a job so I could have more income. However, I'm not sure of the process of if it stays with me/changes when I move, which it most likely will. I've considered moving, but I live with my parents and have no nearby relatives. If I were to move I'd be in a strange place with no friends or family nearby which sounds pretty depressing to me. If I were to move it'd only be over to the mainland (Vancouver) because I really like the climate and wildlife around here (TransCan trail a block away, a small forrest a block away, waterway a block away, it's really beautiful). Thanks for responding out of order to me, you really didn't have to do that, I'm going to go look at schooling options as I think college would be a decent place to meet new people who are simmilarily minded. Negative energy to the point of "idk, that name sounds like trouble"? It'd feel weird to change my furry alias after finally settling on it as "this feel right, I can identify myself with that and not feel weird." Fiyasko * * * Dear Fiyasko, Okay, if you feel comfortable with that name, I certainly won’t try to make you change it. More importantly, I’m terribly sorry to hear about your horrifying childhood experiences! Given that and your other ailments, I would think those should be your priority. As you said, you don’t think you have them under control. I understand your objection to medication and still feel that group therapy could help. Take a look at this page to find a number of groups in your area, some of which may be suited to your needs. In addition to helping you with your ailments, a secondary effect may be that you could make some friends within your group or groups. As for moving, we all make judgment decisions on things like this. If staying near friends and family that you know is more important than moving away from a place where most people are “crass and dull, nobody smiles,” then by all means, stay where you are, but don’t blame your depression on the people around you, since you evidently know enough right there who you love and like. On the plus side, even though in your first letter you said you didn’t feel right about going back to school, now, in your second letter, you say you are considering your college options, which is good. And, yes, college is a great place to make new friends, too. Although you are very troubled, I see a lot of good signs in you, Fiyasko. You recognize, for instance, that sometimes you have to face a few failures before finding success. You are open to changing your previous course and going back to school, despite some fears. You see, too, that the family and friends you have in your life are more valuable than the frustrations you feel about other residents in your area. It is quite remarkable that you have all these good attitudes about life, Fiyasko, and that is very encouraging. Because of this, I believe that if you redouble your efforts on alleviating your trauma, stress, and anxiety issues that you’ll do just fine. Please write again and let me know how you’re doing. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I've written you before, regarding my inability to make friends. Don't worry I won't pester you with that again. I've accepted that it isn't going to work out. Anyway, my apologies for pestering you again, I just was wondering if you had any advice on contending with rejection. It's just, I've been rejected a lot. Not just in like dating in romance, but just with friends and family as well and it really really hurts. It feels like I've been stabbed in the heart repeatedly. I am disabled and I accept that. I also accept that a lot of people just (I'm not sure of the proper word) prefer to not be around me due to my disability. I'm not angry or anything at these people. While it really hurts, I accept it. I know I'm not very attractive and this coupled with the physical disability makes me all the more undesirable. I know there are tons of people who must write you with way worse problems so by all means get to them first. I just want to know how to make it hurt less when I get shot down. Thanks for your time, sorry to bother you again. Galileo (age 25) * * * Dear Galileo, Oh, my dear, your letter is filled with unnecessary apologies. It is never a bother to hear from people. That is why I am here, for goodness’ sakes! I sure hope other people are not refraining from writing me because they don’t want to be a bother! If too much of that happens, there won’t be a column! So, pester me :-) Hon, there are good, kind, and thoughtful people out there, and then there are shallow, pretentious, mean, backstabbing people. The people you describe who do not want to be around you because of your disability or because they don’t think you’re attractive? Why would you want to be in the company of people like that? I sure wouldn’t! I want to be around people who like me for my heart and my soul and my mind. I know a little about rejection. When I was a boy growing up in Van Nuys, California, I was teased a lot for a number of reasons: I was very pale (a crime in this part of the country), I was unathletic in the extreme (Americans swoon over athletic prowess), and I was very bookish, a nerd. So, a triple wammy, really. Most people teased me. I was even teased for my Russian and German heritage once or twice! The American classroom and school playground is like a wolf pack: there are alphas, omegas, and everyone in between who wants to be an alpha. They pick on and chase away the omegas in an attempt to rise through the hierarchy, or, as they said in my day, “to be one of the cool kids.” As I grew up, I hoped that that sort of thing would be over with, that my peers would mature and not be concerned about shallow material things and social standing. Boy, was I ever wrong. It’s just as bad now as it was in high school. For example, when I entered the gay community, I discovered that there was an “A” list and a “B” list. The A’s were the ones with money who dressed well and drove expensive cars and were considered attractive. The B’s were everyone else. I was, and am, a B, and damn proud of it. I even knew a guy who was an A, but then he fell in love with a B, so the other A’s rejected him because he married “beneath his station.” Good Lord Almighty. My husbear, Yogi, deals with all kinds of crap trying to cover the news in this valley, both from businesses and politicians. Not to get too detailed—while still remaining 100% truthful—you would be shocked by how many people get jobs or business deals around here by literally performing sexual favors. Meanwhile, competent, qualified people get passed by because they have moral standards and refuse to sink so low. It makes one shudder. This is a long way around toward saying this: When you do get rejected, consider the source. If it is someone you don’t respect or admire, then any insult or rejection they cast your way should bounce off you like a beach ball. If it is from someone you respect, well then, perhaps you need to reevaluate why you respect that person, because they sure aren’t behaving like someone with a good heart. That’s the way I handle it. I’m not bothered by anyone who looks down on me (especially the rich elite—the ones having inherited their money are the worst) because I know that they based that rejection on a measuring stick coated with the slime of greed, corruption, and vanity. (A note on the above to readers to avoid hate mail: yesss, I do recognize that not all rich people are evil, but it is my sincere experience that most of them live in such a rarified world that they are unable to empathize with the vast majority of humanity; this has a way of sucking out the soul like a vampire feasting on blood.) I sincerely hope, Galileo, that not everyone in your life has rejected you. Surely, there are a few who love you for you. Cling to those people! Let them know you appreciate and love them for their support. Blessed is the person who needs more than two hands to have enough digits to count his or her true friends. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. You know what you have in common with the wealthiest, most powerful, and most beautiful people on the planet? All of you have exactly one soul. You can’t buy extra souls, or make your soul shine brighter than another person’s soul, no matter how much money you have. And, therefore, you are all equal in God’s eyes. May you be able to discern the quality friends in your life, and ignore the ones who only care about quantities. It takes some doing, but I know that when you say you are not angry at these people, you have the potential to rise above like a delicious olive oil floating above a bitter-tasting vinegar. Thank you for your question, which was an outstanding one. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a whole year now and we've gone through a lot of hard situations but now we're stuck. I'm living with him and his parents. The issue is, he doesn't have a job. He lost his job in December of last year and I've been supporting us on a part time job. Recently though, I've gotten a second job. It's a full time job. He sits at home and plays Minecraft. The issue is obvious: I'm doing all the work and he's not helping me. However, we're pretty sure he has clinical depression and can't seem to motivate himself to do anything. He knows he's hurting me, he knows our life is hard because he won't get a job, he knows 90% of my stress is because of him not helping me, and he still can't and or won't do anything about it. I don't know what to do or what to say that won't make him depressed or mad at me but instead motivate him. He won't take my help with trying to help his depression. He says he wants to do it himself without meds but he's not doing a good job and it's hindering us. If there's any advice... Anything you can give me, it would be greatly appreciated :c thank you so much for your time. Nature (age 19) * * * Dear Nature, Being in a relationship with someone who is severely depressed is no picnic. And waiting for them to resolve to “make themselves feel better” is an exercise in futility. You are just empowering them to not do anything and remain depressed. This is because the person may not really understand what is going on with him and therefore cannot help himself, in addition to the fact that being severely depressed sucks all the energy and motivation out of your body. I know, believe me. So, if you care about him, and it seems you do, it is up to you and any friends and family you can find who are willing to help to pull him out of his deep, dark hole. To fight depression, you must first understand the cause. With your boyfriend, as with anyone, the cause could be anything from genetic to hormonal to psychological. His losing his job in December was just the trigger that set off a catastrophic reaction. The actual cause of his depression isn’t losing the job (therefore, recommending he get a new job will not help), but, rather, something else within him. The only way to do that is to get him some help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or, at least, a local support group. For a lot of people, sadly, money is a factor, and insurance often does not cover mental health, or provides only minimal coverage, so finding a support group may be the best option. You can visit the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance to find a local support group and read educational materials about depression. Another good organization is Mental Health America or even go to MeetUp and see if there is a group near you. (You don’t say this, but if he is suicidal, you need to call for help write away. Assistance is available 24/7 at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.) Collect some information on depression and have a talk with him about it, expressing all the while your concern and love for him. Suggest that he go to one of these groups and that you will go with him for support. See if you can get one or more of his family members to also support him in this. If he absolutely refuses, then the next strategy is to be a liaison for him. That is, go to the meetings yourself, talking to the people there and picking their brains. They might even be willing to come to your home and hold a meeting there. You might also try to locate a doctor or clergy member to visit your home and give him guidance. Another strategy: food and exercise. Many people don’t realize it, but diet has a profound effect on our mood. Obviously, if you are depressed, you need to avoid alcohol (by definition, a depressant), and you should also not be taking any illicit drugs. Other foods to avoid:
Foods that HELP you fight depression:
Fun Recipe: Green Tea Ice Cream with Healthy Chocolate Sauce Ingredients for Ice Cream
Instructions
Chocolate Sauce
Break up 2 ounces of bakers chocolate and place in pyrex measuring cup. Microwave on low power (3 out of 10) for 6 minutes. Remove softened chocolate and stir. It will look like a chocolate paste. Add 2 teaspoons of Truvia® and stir. Then add milk or cream a few tablespoons at a time and stir. Add the milk until the sauce is the consistency you like. You may add more sweetener if desired, too. Start making him “treats” for his meals using ingredients like the above. Next, start taking him out of the house. Go on walks together. During these walks, don’t talk or preach to him. If you do that, he’ll want to avoid the walks like the plague. No, instead, just go for a walk. Enjoy the outdoors (hopefully you don’t live in a bad area, but if you do drive out a little way and find a nice park) and just be with each other. Don’t talk about anything serious, like work or money. This should be an enjoyable time for him that he looks forward to. You have to get him away from non-stop game play. It’s not healthy, as you know. I hope this helps! Let me know how it goes. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
So I just read your conversation with Lucian the Wolf and noticed you said you have multiple personalities.... I don't know if you meant that or if it was a joke, but I do and well I need some advice. My other personality ... her name is Jade and she scares me ... a lot. That's not really my problem though; my problem is I don't know whether or not to tell my mom about her because I'm afraid she won't believe me.... Jade isn't a problem for me unless she does something to mess with my life, which she doesn't really ever do.... You are one of the few people I have opened up to about this only because I need help and you seem like the kind of person who can.... Thanks. Sincerely, Anonymous * * * Hi, Anonymous, Well, it was actually a joke in that case, but what you're experiencing is not a joke. Have you approached a professional psychologist about this? Papabear * * * No... the only reason is because it isn't that bad of a case... * * * Hi, again, Even so, it is something you should consider, especially since you said that Jade "scares" you, which is not good. In the meantime, in order to help you (and, remember, I am not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist), please tell me more about your situation. When did you first start hearing from Jade? Under what circumstances does she make an appearance? You seem to indicate, in one line, that she can cause trouble, but in the next you say she doesn't. I need more examples of what is happening. Can you control Jade at all? Or is she beyond your control. Does she have an appearance or is she just a voice? Papabear * * * Papabear, Jade does scare me but it's only cause she didn't start doing things until I was in 6th grade and I'm not used to it.... Usually she comes out when I'm being harmed or if I get really angry, hurt, stressed, etc. She does cause trouble but it's nothing I can't hide. Depending on the circumstances I usually can control her, but sometimes she controls me. And I can tell you this that I know.... she is definitely NOT just a voice.... * * * Could you tell me about your family, school, and social life? * * * Well my parents are divorced and I have been through a few stepmoms who always made my dad beat me.... Also he kept me and my real brother from our mom until I was like 6. When I was in elementary school everything was fine, but then I was transferred and at a new school when I went into 5th grade.... I was ignored most of that year and also bullied.... The bullying didn't stop there, though. All through middle school I was bullied with very few friends. In 8th grade I was pushed to the point that I was ready to commit suicide. Things at home had gotten better especially after my dad met his new wife. But now since my dad can't hit me physically he does it emotionally, along with the rest of my family. Well, all except my real mom. In 9th grade I fell in love with someone but he moved shortly after and I haven't heard from him since. Currently, I am living with my mom now and will be going to a new school this year and I am terrified.... I have a bf who will be going to the same school, though, so I will be okay. I have told him about Jade, especially after he met her. He accepts me and still loves me all the same, which I find is a very good thing for me. * * * Thanks for confirming what I suspected: you've had a traumatic childhood and have been abused and bullied. It therefore makes sense that Jade has appeared. Jade is an aspect of your own spirit, and she appears in order to try to protect you, especially when you are angry or hurt. Sometimes, when the hurt is bearable, you can control her; other times, when it is worse, you can't control her, I would suspect. Trying to control the symptom of your problem (Jade) will not work in getting her to go away. You need to treat the cause of the problem, which is the abuse you are getting. Once you have stabilized your life and gained control of your own destiny, and once you have eliminated abusive, negative people in your life and have managed to surround yourself with loving, caring people, Jade will disappear. Make sense? Papabear * * * Papabear, It actually makes perfect sense... I don't know why I didn't think of that. Thank you so much. It also explains why she hasn't been out much... Ever since I left my dad's house to visit my mom (that's how it started then I ended up moving in with her) she hasn't appeared more then twice. You have helped me so much thank you a thousand and 41 times... |
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